If only we would start talking to people--not about them
Joan Lloyd
If we would stop talking about people, and start talking to them, the work world would be a better place. To make my point, try a little experiment. For one week, keep track of how many times you hear someone speaking about someone else's actions, comments or decisions. Keep track of your own comments, too. Consider if the person in question knew about how they were perceived, how that might affect their overall performance.
This can be particularly true of peers. Because we have no direct control or authority over their actions, it can be easier to sidestep a direct conversation. But even in the case of speaking to an employee, many managers lose their courage.
Employees communicating upward face a different challenge--fear that their career can be negatively affected if the messages they deliver upward aren't taken well.
The next time you hear someone talking about someone else, why not ask, "Do you think she knows how you feel?" or, "Did you tell him this?" Rather than colluding and enabling the lack of communication to continue, why not try to facilitate more open dialogue? Easier said than done, isn't it? Here are a few techniques that may help you be more straightforward:
- Agree on the mutual purpose. We tend to do a lot of mind reading and guessing people's motives, instead of asking what they are.
- Go on the "Journey of Intentions." When someone says something you disagree with, or has a negative reaction to it, ask them to explain their intentions. "What were your intentions when you decided to do that?" Then listen as they describe their mental journey. Don't interrupt or try to rebut their rationale. Once they have finished, go back and suggest other ways they could achieve the mutual purpose. Conversely, explain your thought process. Only then can you come to a better solution. Going on a journey of intentions is a lot easier than a direct confrontation...and will lead you to a better outcome.
- Walk away, but come back 24 hours later. Sometimes we are squirming when someone says something, but we can't quite put our finger on why. It's fine to think it through and sort out why you are feeling uncomfortable, but then go back and explain how you are feeling and why.
- When disagreeing with your boss about a decision, ask, "Are you open to other solutions, if it achieves the outcomes you want?" By asking this question, you are opening the door to new thinking. By focusing on the boss's desired outcome, you are adding value by exploring what he or she wants, without disagreeing in a confrontational way.
- It might be helpful to take a look at some unintended consequences of that decision. This is a way to take an objective and neutral look at the outcomes, without saying, "I disagree with you." It also implies that there are "unintended" outcomes, thereby saving face for the person you disagree with.
- It might be a good idea to take a look at this from the perspective of a few key stakeholders. This is another version of the two prior bullets. It's perceived as helpful because it helps the person head off problems in a proactive way, instead of taking a strong personal stance against the issue.
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